Liebster Award from Warsaw’s Secret Fitness Blog!

Many thanks to Warsaw’s Secret Fitness Blog (http://warsawssecret.wordpress.com/2013/10/05/liebster-award-from-don-charisma) for nominating me for a Liebster award!!

The Liebster Award is given to up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. So, what is a Liebster?  The meaning: Liebster is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome. Blogging is about building a community and it’s a great way to connect with other bloggers and help spread the word about newer bloggers/blogs.

Sorry for the delay in responding, but I am honored to have received this award and am touched that you included me, Warsaw!

Here are the rules for receiving this award:

1. Post the award on your blog.

2. Thank the blogger who presented this award and link back to their blog.

3. Share 11 random facts about yourself.

4. Nominate 10 bloggers who you feel deserve this award and who have 200 or less followers, and go to their blogs to notify them.

5. Answer 10 questions posted by the presenter and ask your nominees 10 questions.

So, without further ado…

11 Random Facts About Me:

1. I am a redhead, and yes, the carpet matches the drapes!
2. I have a double uterus, which I discovered at age 18 when I went to Planned Parenthood to get the pill. Luckily, I still managed to have 3 kids, although one was a preemie and I was on bed rest for 3 months with the 3^rd.
3. Everyone else in my family of origin has brown hair and eyes, but I have red hair and blue eyes.
4. I have a piercing in a sexy place.
5. I loved to climb trees as a child, but I was (and still am) terrified of heights.
6. My husband and I have an old Airstream trailer.
7. I was involved in a fatal accident last January, the last car in a chain reaction accident. It wasn’t my fault, but I will never be the same.
8. I would love to go to massage therapy school.
9. I love learning new things!
10. I think it is an honor and a privilege to be with someone while they are dying.
11. I hate centipedes!

My 10 Blogger Nominees are:

1. Renewing a Right Spirit

2. An Open Book

3. It Won’t Always Be Bad

4. choosingmyownwellbeing

5. A Single Bluebird

6. American Silverback

7. Data Driven Viewpoints

8. Kissing a Fool

9. Knowledge Maven: Our Stories-Our Journeys-Our Truths

10. Pursued 4 Purpose

Warsaw’s Questions:

1.  Why did you start blogging?

I started blogging after my husband had an affair, and I was struggling to make sense of it all. I have tapered off recently because I have come to peace with that chapter of my life. I have a lot of other things to explore, though, in order to live and love with all my might!

2.  Do you have any pets? If so, what kind?

I have two dogs and two cats. They bring me great joy!

3.  Who is your greatest supporter?

My husband, followed closely by my Mom, sister, younger brother, and a few friends I have known for over 40 years (I’m 55).

4.  If you wrote a novel, what would it be about?

The good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.

5.  Have you ever read a book or seen a movie that mirrors your life?  What was it?

Not yet!

6.  Spring, Summer, Fall or Winter?

Spring. I love it when each day is a little longer, and I love seeing new life appearing everywhere!

7.  Who is your favorite author?

I don’t have one favorite, but Ann Patchett is right up there!

8.  What inspires you?

Love inspires me, and making the world better in big and small ways.

9. Fiction or Non-Fiction?

I love both! I am usually reading several books at the same time.

10.  Milk or Dark chocolate?

Dark, of course!

My questions for the nominees are:

1. Why did you start blogging?
2. What four words would you use to describe yourself?
3. What is something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet?
4. What book should I be reading?
5. What is the first thing you notice about others?
6. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
7. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
8. If you had to write a personal motto or mission statement, what would it be?
9. City or country?
10. What is one of your favorite childhood memories?

Old love is not like comfortable slippers

Amazing and true! Happy Friday!!

An Open Book

It’s not a novel observation to point out that most of our cultural narratives about ‘love’ are actually about ‘new love’ – those mad fizzing heart-racing giggling months when you are high on the very existence of this amazing person who loves you. That’s what inspires the songs, the stories, the films.

But what about old love? Oh, people say, yes, old love is wonderful too, like a comfortable old pair of slippers or your favourite arm chair. Easy, familiar, comfortable, homely.

I say bullshit.

Old love is soul-searingly miraculous. Yes, the comfort of being with someone who knows you inside out is wonderful, able to just relax, and yes, too, someone who’s been sharing a bed with you for decades knows your body better than anyone else on earth. But old love is extraordinary in ways that far exceed that.

The fizz of new love comes, in part, from…

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You Make My Heart Sing

Not having a great day today. Things have been going really well with my husband and marriage lately – I have been feeling light-hearted and happy. But something has been nagging at me, and today it has left me feeling disheartened and alone. 

What has been nagging at me is something my husband wrote to his coach about the OW several months ago in response to an assignment asking him to reconcile what the affair meant to him. Last contact with OW was over 2 years ago (as far as I know).

“OW? Well OW is OW. I am not married to OW. There was definitely something there. Something beyond the typical affair. If anything, my relationship with OW was prematurely stopped on a high note. We could have made it. Maybe.

She has what I need on the love front. Everything else is probably not good, but our hearts sang together (emphasis added).  I will always love OW.”

My husband tells me every day that he loves me deeply, that I am beautiful and sexy, and that he would not want to go through life without me. And in the same coaching assignment, he said,

“What OW had, I needed in spades, but she doesnt have what Kali gives me, the way Kali gives me.”

But he has never said that I make his heart sing. I have asked him that directly a few times, and he has always avoided answering my question. Today I sent him a text image saying “You make my heart sing.” So far no response from him.

Why does this matter so much to me? Is it semantics or something more? 

Today it feels like something more and my heart aches.

Thoughts going through my head:

• Why can’t/doesn’t he tell me that I make his heart sing?
• Does he still feel that way about OW?
• Why does he want to be with me if I don’t make his heart sing?
• Did he feel a deeper love with OW than he feels with me if indeed their “hearts sang together?”
• Am I satisfied in a relationship where my husband is holding part of his heart back?
• Can he love me the way I want to be loved?

I make it clear to him all the time how much I love him. And he often says, “No one else could love me as much as you do.” What he does not say is “I could not love anyone else as much as I love you.”

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Am I asking too much, being too needy?

Is it enough for me if he loves me but I don’t make his heart sing?

Today I have no answers, only questions.

 

 

Perspective on “Getting Over an Affair”

I read a blog post today that really made me think, so I wanted to share it here. It was written for people who have been involved in an affair, but as the betrayed spouse I found a lot of value in it too.

Here is the link to the post:

Getting Over The End of an Affair!

And here are the comments I made to the post:

This post was extremely powerful for me. It gave me a new perspective on my husband’s affair and helped me realize that the affair was more about his need to change and grow than it was about his affair partner being the “perfect” woman for him.

My husband described how he felt during the affair at one point by saying it was like a light switch got turned on when he got involved with his affair partner. That hurt immensely to hear and made me wonder whether he would have been happier with her than he has been with me over these last 30 years of marriage. While I have forgiven him for the affair, I still struggle with doubts about that which have prevented me from totally healing from his affair.

I try to support my husband in creating his best life, one in which he goes after his dreams and lives with passion and vitality. I hope and believe he can do that with me by his side. And I pray that one day his affair partner won’t occupy a place in his heart anymore, that the fantasy will truly be put to rest, and that I can feel like his Beloved again. That would be so wonderful.

I’d love to know your thoughts about the perspectives shared in the linked post!

Love and peace, Kali

Finding My Place in the World

 

 

My husband’s affair coincided with several other big changes in our lives – moving across the country after working at the same company for 16 years and living in the same city for 25 years, new jobs, and becoming empty nesters (until we weren’t anymore…youngest back again). I now know even one major change makes someone more vulnerable to an affair. Add to all of our changes the fact that my husband stayed behind for several months to pack up our house and get it ready to sell, and we hit the affair vulnerability jackpot! I now understand why very few people choose to do what we did – it is damn hard! 

Surprisingly, even though my heart got broken, I do not regret the changes we made. I am an adventurer at heart – I love to explore and NEED to keep learning new things. I was starting to go stir crazy before the move – knew in my gut that it was time to reinvent ourselves.

And boy did I get a chance to do that. I guess I should watch what I ask for!!

In addition to rebuilding our marriage, I now also find myself needing to reinvent myself professionally. The job I moved across country for didn’t end up panning out, and I have yet to get back into the groove professionally. As a result, we have struggled financially as well.

Even with great credentials and work experience, I am getting very little traction in my job search. This has been really hard for me, because until now work has been one area of my life that has always gone well for me. Also, achievement was really important in my family growing up, so I think it became an important part of my identity and feeling of self-worth. Now, with this area not going well, I am forced to confront my self-image and learn to love and accept myself even when I fail at things…good in the big picture, but very painful to go through.

I think I’m also dealing with some ageism in my job search, which is bizarre to me. I am in my mid-50’s but don’t feel old in any way. I am not stuck in my ways, I love to learn new things, and I am open to change and new experiences. It is hard for me to understand why someone wouldn’t want to hire me just because I am in my mid-50’s. I’m sure part of it is a belief that my healthcare costs will be higher than a younger person, but that is a gross generalization that does not apply to me. I am fit and healthy and plan to stay that way.

We have very little money saved now since we have had to dip into our savings over the last few years, so not working is not an option for me. I expect to work for at least 20 more years full time, and then continue to work on a more flexible basis indefinitely. So it concerns me that the workforce may consider me to be “over the hill.” 

So I am dealing with a lot of worries right now and wish that everything didn’t have to be such a struggle. I keep telling myself that this is just a phase, that the disequilibrium/equilibrium cycle is part of being human, and that it won’t always be this hard. I’m ready for the universe to give me a few breaks!

Looking for Wholeness

I thought I was doing so well in my healing from my husband’s infidelity. And then tonight – BAM! I feel like I am back at square one. And it is not anything he did or didn’t do. It is me – I realized I am still very broken and am despairing about whether I will ever regain my footing and self-confidence.

It started with a misunderstanding, when I felt he was challenging me about something, and I defaulted to defensiveness (a learned pattern from my family of origin that I have tried so hard to get over but clearly have not been entirely successful in doing so). That led to an argument, which then led to me spiraling down and some old feelings of insecurity getting dredged up, where I feel that somehow I am not “enough” for him and wonder why he wants to be with me. He basically said WTF…could not understand why I would go there, as it has been 3 years since he saw OW and over 2 years since he last spoke with her.

It scares me that I still feel so little confidence that my husband really wants to be with me and is happy with me. I still compare myself unfavorably to OW and feel that she has something I don’t, and that try as I might I will never be able to give him what she did. Whenever he gets upset with me about something, I get a panicky feeling that he will decide it is not worth it with me. And then I end up making the situation worse as my insecurities get the better of me.

I realize that I have not forgiven myself for the things I did and failed to do that made him vulnerable to an affair. Logically I know that it was not all my fault, but emotionally I feel ashamed and responsible that he felt the need to go elsewhere for love and intimacy.

It is funny how sometimes you read or hear an idea at exactly the time you need it. That happened to me tonight when I got up and was reading my email when I couldn’t sleep because I was feeling so distraught. In another blog, bekahoutsidethebox was writing about a Dharma talk she had heard by Ajahn Amaro (a Buddhist monk) about relationships and sexuality.

She wrote that per Ajahn Amaro  “relationships are one of two types, either (1) Relationships of Separateness, or (2) Relationships of Wholeness. In a Relationship of Separateness, there is a rigid “me/you” structure, where we are looking to the relationship as a way to make ourselves complete. We come in with a sense of expectation, of desire, and we look to the other person as someone who will fulfill us. When they inevitably disappoint, or annoy, or fail to make us feel good (because, after all, they are human), we grip tighter, we get closer, we try harder. But it is impossible for any other human being to satisfy us all the time, so we end up feeling alienated, lost, like there is an important piece missing. On the other hand, in a Relationship of Wholeness, we let go of the expectations and desires, and we come into the relationship trusting that we are already whole and complete. Our own happiness and security is not dependent on anyone other than ourselves. The relationship is based on respect, kindness, and appreciation, but we do not solidify our view of the other person or try to change them in any way. We are so secure in ourselves that we can let go completely (which is, as Amaro points out,ironically a really attractive quality in a person).”

This hit me like a ton of bricks. That is the problem – I have been looking to my husband to reassure me and convince me that I am whole and complete and lovable – and when he tries I can never seem to internalize or trust what he is saying. Now I see the futility in that, and how hard it must be for him to try and fail to make me feel truly loved and accepted by him.

I need to find and trust in that wholeness in myself so that I can bring my best self to our relationship. I think my husband has learned that lesson the hard way as he struggled to understand why he made the choices he did. In order for us to finish healing, I now need to learn that lesson as well, to stop punishing myself for my perceived failures and realize that while I am not perfect, I am lovable and whole just as I am, and that we are both lucky to have each other. Easier said than done, but I am grateful that at least I now know the work is mine to do and that my insecurities should not be projected on to him.

A Pep Talk

Just the kick in the pants I needed today…

 

So one of the issues with my husband has been that I often get defensive in high stakes conversations. It’s a bad habit I picked up in my family growing up…my Mom’s default reaction with my Dad. I am easily triggered and then my reptilian brain takes over…aargh!

 Not long ago, I had a dream that was unlike any other dream I have ever had. In my dream, I react defensively to something my husband said, and my stomach feels like it is tied in knots. An unidentified voice tells me,

 

“You have nothing to fear, Kali. Your nature is to be curious. Whenever you begin to feel anxious or afraid, remember that and decide to be curious instead. That is your true nature, a childlike curiosity and love. 

 

I know your feelings are painful at times. But when you are able to experience a lifetime of those feelings simultaneously at the end of your life, the result will be a symphony of love the likes of which you could never imagine now…unimaginable joy.”

 

I felt totally peaceful and then I woke up.

 

Wow! I got up and wrote it down, word for word. And couldn’t stop thinking about it….

 

And the crazy thing…I feel like I have changed! It hasn’t been very long, but I have been reacting very differently with my husband, and he has definitely noticed. So far there seems to be kind of a virtuous cycle operating – I’m calm and curious instead of defensive, and he becomes more affectionate and demonstrative, and then I feel safe and loved and then I’m calm and curious instead of defensive, and he becomes more affectionate and demonstrative, and on it goes.

 

Life can be unexpected and amazing sometimes!

 

Peace and love,

Kali

I want to be cherished!

I was feeling really strong and upbeat a little while ago when I posted about “Women Who Run With the Wolves.” Then my husband came home from work a little grumpy even though it is Christmas Eve. A little while later while surfing the Web I came across this love letter sent by Johnny Cash to June Carter on her 65th birthday, and I started feeling melancholy. I can relate completely to how Johnny Cash feels about June – it’s the way I feel about my beloved husband…but one of the casualties/losses resulting from his affair is that I don’t know whether I will EVER feel confident again that this is how he feels about me. And I would give anything to feel that again! I pray that one day soon he will love me with all his heart and that I will be able to relax into his love…

Shatter my heart so a new room can be created for a Limitless Love

“Shatter my heart so a new room can be created for a Limitless Love.” -Sufi Saying

OK, so my heart was shattered, no doubt about that. Now I am busy creating that new room, and it is going to be beautiful…

I’ve been re-reading “Women Who Run With the Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estés. I first read the book many many years ago, but I was in a very different place in my life then. This time, the book was soul food for me…

Here are some passages that especially resonated with me this time:

“If one wishes to be fed for life, one must face and develop a relationship with the Life/Death/Life nature. When we have that, we are no longer bumbling along fishing for fantasies, but are made wise about the necessary deaths and startling births that create true relationship. When we face Skeleton Woman we learn that passion is not something to go “get” but rather something generated in cycles and given out. It is Skeleton Woman who demonstrates that a shared living together through all increase and decrease, through all endings and beginnings, is what creates an unparalleled love of devotion.”

“A part of every woman and every man resists knowing that in all love relationships Death must have her share. We pretend we can love without our illusions about love dying, pretend we can go on without our superficial expectations dying, pretend we can progress and that our favorite flushes and rushes will never die. But in love, psychically, everything becomes picked apart, everything. The ego does not want it to be so. Yet it is how it is meant to be….What dies? Illusion dies, expectations die, greed for having it all, for wanting to have all be beautiful only, all this dies. Because love always causes a descent into the Death nature, we can see why it takes abundant self-power and soulfulness to make that commitment…Without Lady Death, there can be no real knowledge of life, and without that knowing, there can be no fealty, no real love and devotion. Love costs. It costs bravery. It costs going the distance.”

“Trust is not dependent on your lover not hurting you. It is a trust that any wound that occurs can be healed, a trust that new life follows old. A trust that there is deeper meaning in all of these things, that seemingly petty events are not without meaning, that all things of one’s life – the ragged, the jagged, and the lilting and the soaring – all can be used as life’s energy…We have all made the mistake of thinking someone else can be our healer, our thriller, our filling… It takes a long time to find out it is not so, mostly because we put the wound outside ourselves instead of ministering to it within…There is probably nothing a woman wants more from a man than for him to dissolve his projections and face his own wound, becoming his own healer, no longer applying to the woman to be his analgesic…Love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many many endings, and many beginnings – all in the same relationship. To make love is to dance the dance.”

I am learning not to be afraid (or at least terrified, ha!) of the necessary deaths, to face the endings and beginnings with a curious and open heart. I hope my beloved husband can learn to do the same. I know he is trying, but he has not been able to fully let go of his fantasy “love” for the OW yet. I think he can’t stomach that he caused so much devastation over what was essentially a fantasy. So he hangs on to the idea that they could have made it together had he not chosen to stay with me. I HATE that he feels this way, but I begrudgingly accept it, at least for now. And I am prepared to go the distance if he is….

Little by little I learn to embrace life in all its glory…to be able to “zoom out” and see that everything that happens contributes threads to an amazingly beautiful tapestry of life and love.

I wish all of you peace and love!!

Kali