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So one of the issues with my husband has been that I often get defensive in high stakes conversations. It’s a bad habit I picked up in my family growing up…my Mom’s default reaction with my Dad. I am easily triggered and then my reptilian brain takes over…aargh!

 Not long ago, I had a dream that was unlike any other dream I have ever had. In my dream, I react defensively to something my husband said, and my stomach feels like it is tied in knots. An unidentified voice tells me,
 
“You have nothing to fear, Kali. Your nature is to be curious. Whenever you begin to feel anxious or afraid, remember that and decide to be curious instead. That is your true nature, a childlike curiosity and love. 
 
I know your feelings are painful at times. But when you are able to experience a lifetime of those feelings simultaneously at the end of your life, the result will be a symphony of love the likes of which you could never imagine now…unimaginable joy.”
 
I felt totally peaceful and then I woke up.
 
Wow! I got up and wrote it down, word for word. And couldn’t stop thinking about it….
 
And the crazy thing…I feel like I have changed! It hasn’t been very long, but I have been reacting very differently with my husband, and he has definitely noticed. So far there seems to be kind of a virtuous cycle operating – I’m calm and curious instead of defensive, and he becomes more affectionate and demonstrative, and then I feel safe and loved and then I’m calm and curious instead of defensive, and he becomes more affectionate and demonstrative, and on it goes.
 
Life can be unexpected and amazing sometimes!
 
Peace and love,
Kali

I want to be cherished!

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I was feeling really strong and upbeat a little while ago when I posted about “Women Who Run With the Wolves.” Then my husband came home from work a little grumpy even though it is Christmas Eve. A little while later while surfing the Web I came across this love letter sent by Johnny Cash to June Carter on her 65th birthday, and I started feeling melancholy. I can relate completely to how Johnny Cash feels about June – it’s the way I feel about my beloved husband…but one of the casualties/losses resulting from his affair is that I don’t know whether I will EVER feel confident again that this is how he feels about me. And I would give anything to feel that again! I pray that one day soon he will love me with all his heart and that I will be able to relax into his love…

Shatter my heart so a new room can be created for a Limitless Love

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shattered-heart

“Shatter my heart so a new room can be created for a Limitless Love.” -Sufi Saying

OK, so my heart was shattered, no doubt about that. Now I am busy creating that new room, and it is going to be beautiful…

I’ve been re-reading “Women Who Run With the Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estés. I first read the book many many years ago, but I was in a very different place in my life then. This time, the book was soul food for me…

Here are some passages that especially resonated with me this time:

“If one wishes to be fed for life, one must face and develop a relationship with the Life/Death/Life nature. When we have that, we are no longer bumbling along fishing for fantasies, but are made wise about the necessary deaths and startling births that create true relationship. When we face Skeleton Woman we learn that passion is not something to go “get” but rather something generated in cycles and given out. It is Skeleton Woman who demonstrates that a shared living together through all increase and decrease, through all endings and beginnings, is what creates an unparalleled love of devotion.”

“A part of every woman and every man resists knowing that in all love relationships Death must have her share. We pretend we can love without our illusions about love dying, pretend we can go on without our superficial expectations dying, pretend we can progress and that our favorite flushes and rushes will never die. But in love, psychically, everything becomes picked apart, everything. The ego does not want it to be so. Yet it is how it is meant to be….What dies? Illusion dies, expectations die, greed for having it all, for wanting to have all be beautiful only, all this dies. Because love always causes a descent into the Death nature, we can see why it takes abundant self-power and soulfulness to make that commitment…Without Lady Death, there can be no real knowledge of life, and without that knowing, there can be no fealty, no real love and devotion. Love costs. It costs bravery. It costs going the distance.”

“Trust is not dependent on your lover not hurting you. It is a trust that any wound that occurs can be healed, a trust that new life follows old. A trust that there is deeper meaning in all of these things, that seemingly petty events are not without meaning, that all things of one’s life – the ragged, the jagged, and the lilting and the soaring – all can be used as life’s energy…We have all made the mistake of thinking someone else can be our healer, our thriller, our filling… It takes a long time to find out it is not so, mostly because we put the wound outside ourselves instead of ministering to it within…There is probably nothing a woman wants more from a man than for him to dissolve his projections and face his own wound, becoming his own healer, no longer applying to the woman to be his analgesic…Love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many many endings, and many beginnings – all in the same relationship. To make love is to dance the dance.”

I am learning not to be afraid (or at least terrified, ha!) of the necessary deaths, to face the endings and beginnings with a curious and open heart. I hope my beloved husband can learn to do the same. I know he is trying, but he has not been able to fully let go of his fantasy “love” for the OW yet. I think he can’t stomach that he caused so much devastation over what was essentially a fantasy. So he hangs on to the idea that they could have made it together had he not chosen to stay with me. I HATE that he feels this way, but I begrudgingly accept it, at least for now. And I am prepared to go the distance if he is….

Little by little I learn to embrace life in all its glory…to be able to “zoom out” and see that everything that happens contributes threads to an amazingly beautiful tapestry of life and love.

I wish all of you peace and love!!

Kali

About Me

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I decided to start blogging to explore why I am not living life as deeply and fully as I would like to. I saw some girls skipping and laughing today, and I thought “Where did that girl go? I miss her!”

My husband’s affair a few years ago devastated me and caused me to question everything I thought I knew about him, myself, and my world. So now I am trying to look at the world with new eyes – to deconstruct my life with conscious intention and decide how I want to live my life moving forward.

“We tend to identify with and become attached to things we have, and to fear their loss, and this includes our knowledge and beliefs as well as relationships and physical things. That’s part of the survival game, but we do well to accept impermanence with equanimity and to retain an open mind, willing to review and evolve.”

I saw this somewhere recently. Wish I could remember where I saw it so I could attribute it appropriately. This is where I find myself today, trying to make sense of what has happened, opening my heart and mind to figure out where I go from here. In other words, to take advantage of the fact that my heart was broken completely open and to use the opportunity, as unwelcome as it was, to take stock of my life, to change what needs to be changed, and to live and love with all my might, with no regrets.