I read a blog post today that really made me think, so I wanted to share it here. It was written for people who have been involved in an affair, but as the betrayed spouse I found a lot of value in it too.
Here is the link to the post:
And here are the comments I made to the post:
This post was extremely powerful for me. It gave me a new perspective on my husband’s affair and helped me realize that the affair was more about his need to change and grow than it was about his affair partner being the “perfect” woman for him.
My husband described how he felt during the affair at one point by saying it was like a light switch got turned on when he got involved with his affair partner. That hurt immensely to hear and made me wonder whether he would have been happier with her than he has been with me over these last 30 years of marriage. While I have forgiven him for the affair, I still struggle with doubts about that which have prevented me from totally healing from his affair.
I try to support my husband in creating his best life, one in which he goes after his dreams and lives with passion and vitality. I hope and believe he can do that with me by his side. And I pray that one day his affair partner won’t occupy a place in his heart anymore, that the fantasy will truly be put to rest, and that I can feel like his Beloved again. That would be so wonderful.
I’d love to know your thoughts about the perspectives shared in the linked post!
Love and peace, Kali
So one of the issues with my husband has been that I often get defensive in high stakes conversations. It’s a bad habit I picked up in my family growing up…my Mom’s default reaction with my Dad. I am easily triggered and then my reptilian brain takes over…aargh!
Not long ago, I had a dream that was unlike any other dream I have ever had. In my dream, I react defensively to something my husband said, and my stomach feels like it is tied in knots. An unidentified voice tells me,
“You have nothing to fear, Kali. Your nature is to be curious. Whenever you begin to feel anxious or afraid, remember that and decide to be curious instead. That is your true nature, a childlike curiosity and love.
I know your feelings are painful at times. But when you are able to experience a lifetime of those feelings simultaneously at the end of your life, the result will be a symphony of love the likes of which you could never imagine now…unimaginable joy.”
I felt totally peaceful and then I woke up.
Wow! I got up and wrote it down, word for word. And couldn’t stop thinking about it….
And the crazy thing…I feel like I have changed! It hasn’t been very long, but I have been reacting very differently with my husband, and he has definitely noticed. So far there seems to be kind of a virtuous cycle operating – I’m calm and curious instead of defensive, and he becomes more affectionate and demonstrative, and then I feel safe and loved and then I’m calm and curious instead of defensive, and he becomes more affectionate and demonstrative, and on it goes.
Life can be unexpected and amazing sometimes!
Peace and love,