Not having a great day today. Things have been going really well with my husband and marriage lately – I have been feeling light-hearted and happy. But something has been nagging at me, and today it has left me feeling disheartened and alone.
What has been nagging at me is something my husband wrote to his coach about the OW several months ago in response to an assignment asking him to reconcile what the affair meant to him. Last contact with OW was over 2 years ago (as far as I know).
“OW? Well OW is OW. I am not married to OW. There was definitely something there. Something beyond the typical affair. If anything, my relationship with OW was prematurely stopped on a high note. We could have made it. Maybe.
She has what I need on the love front. Everything else is probably not good, but our hearts sang together (emphasis added). I will always love OW.”
My husband tells me every day that he loves me deeply, that I am beautiful and sexy, and that he would not want to go through life without me. And in the same coaching assignment, he said,
“What OW had, I needed in spades, but she doesnt have what Kali gives me, the way Kali gives me.”
But he has never said that I make his heart sing. I have asked him that directly a few times, and he has always avoided answering my question. Today I sent him a text image saying “You make my heart sing.” So far no response from him.
Why does this matter so much to me? Is it semantics or something more?
Today it feels like something more and my heart aches.
Thoughts going through my head:
- Why can’t/doesn’t he tell me that I make his heart sing?
- Does he still feel that way about OW?
- Why does he want to be with me if I don’t make his heart sing?
- Did he feel a deeper love with OW than he feels with me if indeed their “hearts sang together?”
- Am I satisfied in a relationship where my husband is holding part of his heart back?
- Can he love me the way I want to be loved?
I make it clear to him all the time how much I love him. And he often says, “No one else could love me as much as you do.” What he does not say is “I could not love anyone else as much as I love you.”
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?
Am I asking too much, being too needy?
Is it enough for me if he loves me but I don’t make his heart sing?
Today I have no answers, only questions.