You Make My Heart Sing

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Not having a great day today. Things have been going really well with my husband and marriage lately – I have been feeling light-hearted and happy. But something has been nagging at me, and today it has left me feeling disheartened and alone. 

What has been nagging at me is something my husband wrote to his coach about the OW several months ago in response to an assignment asking him to reconcile what the affair meant to him. Last contact with OW was over 2 years ago (as far as I know).

“OW? Well OW is OW. I am not married to OW. There was definitely something there. Something beyond the typical affair. If anything, my relationship with OW was prematurely stopped on a high note. We could have made it. Maybe.

She has what I need on the love front. Everything else is probably not good, but our hearts sang together (emphasis added).  I will always love OW.”

My husband tells me every day that he loves me deeply, that I am beautiful and sexy, and that he would not want to go through life without me. And in the same coaching assignment, he said,

“What OW had, I needed in spades, but she doesnt have what Kali gives me, the way Kali gives me.”

But he has never said that I make his heart sing. I have asked him that directly a few times, and he has always avoided answering my question. Today I sent him a text image saying “You make my heart sing.” So far no response from him.

Why does this matter so much to me? Is it semantics or something more? 

Today it feels like something more and my heart aches.

Thoughts going through my head:

  • Why can’t/doesn’t he tell me that I make his heart sing?
  • Does he still feel that way about OW?
  • Why does he want to be with me if I don’t make his heart sing?
  • Did he feel a deeper love with OW than he feels with me if indeed their “hearts sang together?”
  • Am I satisfied in a relationship where my husband is holding part of his heart back?
  • Can he love me the way I want to be loved?

I make it clear to him all the time how much I love him. And he often says, “No one else could love me as much as you do.” What he does not say is “I could not love anyone else as much as I love you.”

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Am I asking too much, being too needy?

Is it enough for me if he loves me but I don’t make his heart sing?

Today I have no answers, only questions.

 

 

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13 responses »

  1. A little while ago, my husband texted me “Hi.” After texting “Hi” back, I said, “Did you get my earlier text? It’s true!” He texted back, “Nice!! I’m glad! I feel the same way!!” A little later he texted, “I feel that way right now…” and then a little later “Glad we got here!!”

    Going to have to let that sink in for a little while…

    Can I fully receive his love or am I still trying to protect myself somehow? I need to remember to “be love” and not let fear get the best of me.

  2. You know my husband said a lot of things to his AP that he never said to me. I would often tell him well you never say or said that about me. But today I had to ask myself do I want him to really tell me the same things he told her? Would it be believable? Would it even mean anything to me? I think I would rather he speak from his heart where he is today and watch it grow. The more I receive what he says now the more I get!!!

  3. Kali, my heart goes out to you. My husband would sign off on emails etc and gifts to the OW with a saying “Always All ways”… Meaning that he would always be there for her in all ways. He’s never, ever had a saying for me – couldn’t come up with one. He said that she made him feel more “creative”.. Hurts like heck that’s for sure. I think the same, why would he say that to her and then want to be with me. I hold back on fully trusting that we’ll always be together coz I’m just not sure he feels the same way about me as he did her..

  4. At the risk of overstepping my bounds, my husband and I have had the same types of conversations, more than a few times. I was the one who had the affair. When he asked me and tried to use the relationship talk from my affair, I was really thrown. I felt quite awful. I do certainly celebrate where we are, but boy have we got a long way to go. From my perspective, I was concerned that anything I said at that point might have sounded contrived or insincere. We’ve talked about the possible long-term effects of broken trust and I worry that in his heart of hearts he feels like @betrayednotbroken wrote above. My fear holds me back but if/when I use *our* relationship talk, I want to be sure we both feel good about it. And, it will be our own. Nothing can replace that which we share. We’ve been together for 25 years but the last 4 have been really rough. Subtracting 4 from 25 leaves us with 21. 21 years of things that only mean something to us. There’s a lot to be said for that. Therefore, I feel it is my responsibility to handle our relationship with the utmost care so I don’t hurt him [or me] any more.

    I don’t know if this helps or not, but that’s about as far as my perspective goes. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt Kali. You seem like a lovely person and I admire your desire to fix your marriage.

    Respectfully,

    Dharma

    • Dharma,

      Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective. I love to hear from people like you who have had an affair, because I am always eager to increase my understanding of what things look/feel like from that perspective. Although I know no two situations (or relationships) are the same, it still helps me move beyond the “victim” mentality and black-and-white thinking that are typical when one finds out his/her partner has had an affair. Quite the journey, and not one I would have chosen, but I am determined to use it to open my heart further and love more deeply than ever before.

      • Thanks Kali. I appreciate your kind words. I think it is impossible to imagine what the other person is feeling, unless they’ve been in their situation. This is some tough stuff, no doubt. Either way, we will all emerge better. I don’t see where there’s a choice in my case. It’s been quite the opportunity for me to look within and undo years of programming in terms of dealing with my individual issues. I’m hoping my husband will [eventually] choose to deal with his, but we seem to have off-the-table-itis getting in the way. I’m not going to call out his problems to him because I’m not that kind of doctor (LOL!) BUT, I think the value of both people being equally engaged in the recovery process is necessary. We won’t always be on the same page but we should be much of the time. Since we are on different pages in terms of effort – at the moment – I’m still working hard, but I can’t do it for both of us. I just have to trust the process. /sigh

        I’m not very patient on the inside but all of me is being forced to be patient now because I’m totally depleted. I’m still determined, I just have to keep that trust going. My blog is the place I vent 🙂

        Best,

        Dharma

      • Have you read “Undefended Love” (http://undefendedlove.com/)? I recently read it and it blew my mind! It put into words what I am working towards. If I am able to move closer to that way of being and relating with my husband as a result of this wake up call, the pain will have been worth it (kind of like giving birth!). The increased consciousness I have just from reading this book is already making a huge difference in my life!!

  5. I’m sorry to hear about your experience. When affairs end on a high there is sometimes a longing for the another. This does not mean a n affair is love, depends on the two people I suppose and what defines as love. Your husband might have been at the excitement stage but no affair stays like that forever. True love is when you expose yourself to all the vulnerabilities and one of which is working through such an awful event. Recapturing the marriage and ending an affair are both like bereavement. I’m sorry for what is happening in your life, I’m not an angel far from it so I hope it is okay to write on your blog. Words like yours creep through my skin and into my soul, makes me question – what the hell am I doing? I guess at times I feel invincible but I’m not. I wake each and every morning with a pounding heart and a disgust that no length of a shower can hide, I hug and kiss my husband to then enter a pattern that dampens the shame and stops my thoughts.

    • Mistress4u, thanks so much for reading my blog and commenting. Your comments really touched me. Thankfully my husband and I are now doing great, and while I will probably always have some emotional scars from that time in our lives, I am focusing on living life, really living it, in all its beauty, glory, and mess. I have learned so much and am choosing to focus on how thankful I am about that. At the end of the day, what else can you really do? I wish you the best and hope you can find a way to get what you need and want while also living in integrity with yourself. We all make mistakes, but we don’t have to keep making them. That goes for me too – I have had to face some unpleasant truths about myself and deal with them – definitely not easy!

  6. Kali, I’m going to say something that you probably won’t like. You ask all the right questions n then stick your head in the sand.

    Your husband says ” I know no one can love me as much as you” – that’s very telling. He loves what you give him which is ALL your emotions n feelings n love for him. Even after he betrayed you n your devotion you stood by him. So it’s clear he still feels less for you than u do for him. That was probably true all 30 yrs you were together. That’s a powerful position to b in. Always being able to choose how much love, emotion to shower on someone who gives everything of themselves to YOU.

    He says he got wat he needed on the love front in spades from OW but she didn’t have what Kali gives the way kali gives. How sad for him? He loves her n his heart sings but loves what you give him – that power in the relationship. That’s what he loves about you.

    The other commenter hit it on the head when saying she tries to keep saying things that are true for her 21 yrs n not let her affair feelings come in between so she doesn’t lie n hurt her husband. Your husband doesn’t tell you u make his heart sing bcuz it doesn’t. You force his hand by sending him the text n he doesn’t reply. You force an answer out of him n he says ” nice!! I’m glad. I feel that same.” N little later as an after thght ” I’m feeling that way now” – WOW! No wonder he chose you dear kali. YOU make him so powerful in your equation.

    Also, he says his relationship with OW was “STOPPED” on a high note meaning what you held a gun to his head n broke it off for him? Maybe 30 yrs of devotion seemed like a gun to him? So if u didn’t discover the affair n it had continued what wd have happened? He wd have ascertained that his heart singing was not enough n that he needed the power u give him over you by your love? Or wd he have had enough time to a better role with the OW n then what? Wd 30 yrs mattered then?

    Woman, pls wake up. Your moving across the country n changing jobs did not set up stage for his affair. You existed in that danger zone all 30 yrs. you shower him with ur love n he chooses to do the same or not. That’s indicative of his level of NEED for you. He needs you for what you give him. He came across a woman ” he will always love” n didn’t think of what you gave him for so many years bcuz that just came to him without a fight. He took it for granted n he continues to do so, the martyr, whose love was stopped.

    Shower ur love where it is truly appreciated n not where it is pitied.

    You may think I’m being harsh n I’m being harsh. But u need to hear it. A total stranger reading this blog, I recognize your pain, bcuz I did it for years. Hate me if you will. But pls read through my last para again. Be strong!!

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